Professor Layton and the Somewhat Abnormal Village
by Melon Dollar Baby
Summary: There's an inheritance dispute in the odd town of St. Mystere, meaning the only rational solution would be to call a Professor of Archeology. Will Professor Hershel Layton and his downtrodden "apprentice", Luke Triton, be able to solve the mystery? By accident, maybe, but yes.
1. The Reinhold Manor Awaits

A/N: so this is just a PL parody, if you guys like it I'll do the other games, this will have a lot of British references though bc I'm British and the games are all based in Britain, so if you don't get some of them I am sorry

The hot sun shone down upon the grassy fields, clumps of colourful flowers bursting through the grass, reaching towards the bright blue sky. Butterflies of every hue fluttered along the roadside, bumblebees hopped whimsically from flower to flower and dragonflies skimmed across the nearby river.

Luke Triton, sat inside a quirky red car, watched the nature speeding past him and went to turn the knob of the radio. His hand was slapped away, however, by the gentleman sat next to him, wearing a top hat.

"Professor, please! Let me put my playlist on!" Luke exclaimed, holding his aux cord up.

"A life ban is a life ban, Luke. If you think I'm going to spend a whole car journey listening to nothing but N-Dubz again, forget it. I'm a gentleman and I have standards."

Luke huffed, folding his arms, and turned back towards the window. A dragonfly flew up and hovered by the window. He stuck his middle finger up at it, in fury and defiance.

"Some standards. I can't believe you've dragged us out here, in the middle of nowhere, right when McDonald's Monopoly is starting! This "St Mystere" place will only have a Subway, at best," the teenage boy complained, "I have human rights!"

"Well, your instant win Apple pie will have to wait. We have an inheritance dispute to sort out."

Professor Layton handed Luke a brown envelope, stuffed with crisp white documents and black and white photos. One was of a huge, balding man wearing a rich red fur, posing for a photo in a club with several other old men, with the 'Walkabout' logo in the bottom left hand corner. Another had him holding a disappointedly sized fish by a lake.

"Standard British man photos," Luke mused and he found another which showed the man pinching the top of a clock tower, "What a lad."

"Not anymore. He died a few months back and left a rather confusing will. We're going down to solve the issue."

"Whoever finds the 'Golden Apple' will win the whole of my estate...well, that's not hard at all. They sold Golden Delicious Apples at the market, 10p for one and £1 a bag."

Professor Layton ignored this as slapping children was frowned upon these days.

"No one even heard of the Golden Apple before Baron Reinhold mentioned it in his will. It is our duty to find it so his family will receive what is owed to them. Some people believe it's an antique or a rare iPod touch. Either way, we must find it."

Luke tried to sneakily insert his aux cord whilst the Professor was talking, only to have his hand slapped again. The professor noticed the boy's frustration and handed him a small document.

"What's this?"

"I need directions to the village, Luke. Please decipher the map that the lovely Lady Dahlia left in her letter to me."

Luke pulled open the letter to see a confusing map, paths overlapping and intertwining, and five diagrams of towns.

"What the- What kind of garbage map is this?!"

"It appears Lady Dahlia is giving us a puzzle, to test our skills. Why don't you solve it, Luke?"

"But...Professor...we're already at the town…"

"Now, Luke, no puzzle may go unsolved," Professor Layton reminded his apprentice as he pulled up to a large drawbridge.

"Yeah, But...why do you need directions? We're at the town gate."

"Solve the puzzle, Luke. I won't ask again."

With an irritated sigh, Luke pointed to the picture of the town on the paper that matched the one before him, not even bothering to read the instructions above. The professor broke into a grin.

"Good job, Luke. Obviously I didn't need the help, as a puzzle that easy is solvable at a glance for me."

Luke didn't reply and stiffly got out of the car. Professor Layton joined him and they looked up, above the drawbridge, to the town before them. High above the thatched roofs and smoking chimneys, loomed a dark and threatening tower. It creaked and groaned in the breeze, like it was alive.

"Erm, Professor," a worried Luke whispered, tugging on his mentor's sleeve. The professor ignored this and waved at the bridge operator.

"Hello, good sir! Would you please lower the bridge so we may enter the town? We have important business with Lady Dahlia."

"No."

"I-I see," Professor Layton replied, stumbling slightly, "May I ask why that is?"

"No ruddy crank."

Luke and the professor shared an uncomfortable glance. The bridge keeper adjusted his stained wife beater vest and ran a hand through his greasy hair, with no signs of following up with when the bridge would be up or what a crank actually was.

"Professor, is a crank slang for narcotics?"

"I can't say for certain, Luke, however there may be a chance that Soulja Boy is here."

The greasy man before them slapped his greasy palm against his greasy head, in greasy frustration.

"No, you idiots. My crank has kacked it and I can't work out how to fix the bleedin' thing, although it is technically my job."

"Ah! It would seem a puzzle is afoot!" The professor declared, pointing his hand into the skies.

"It really seems more of an engineering problem," mused Luke, who was utterly ignored as the Professor began barking instructions to the befuddled bridge keeper.

"Please, rotate cog A 90° clockwise, my good man!"

These orders continued, much to the annoyance of Luke, the frustration of Layton and the confusion of Franco, which was the bridge keepers name but seeing as neither Luke or Layton bothered to ask his name, it was never uttered.

"Maybe it was a bad idea to try and solve a visual puzzle from opposite ends of a river," Luke huffed.

"This seems to be rather difficult," Professor Hershel Layton sighed, stroking his chin, "Maybe it was a bad idea to try and solve a visual puzzle from opposite ends of a river."

Luke rolled his eyes.

"Professor, I never thought I'd have to say this but maybe this time we should leave the engineering to the professionals," he sighed. It was at this point he looked over to see Franco trying to eat the cog that had been troubling him, but felt it best to pretend he hadn't seen this, "Maybe there's another way into the village or we could just go home and have a delicious McDonald's dinner meal-"

There was a loud splash as Professor Layton hurled himself into the river and began furiously swimming across. Oblivious to Luke's screams, he pulled himself through the water, which had actually been far colder than he'd anticipated. However, he kept on going, blocking out the waters icy sting or the buoyancy aid Luke just hit him in the face with. Eventually reaching the other side, he emerged from the depths and quickly reached inside Franco's mouth to retrieve the cog.

The puzzle was solved.

"See, Luke, every puzzle is simple if you look at it from the right angle," explained the doggy Professor, as he dripped his way into the village.

The bridge was lowered and Luke crossed into the village, wondering if it was too late to call Childline and plead to Esther Rantzen herself for help. Nevertheless, he entered the village and prayed the apprehension in his heart was just indigestion.

PS: I have reuploaded this with the spelling mistakes removed. This is what happens when you're writing with auto correct on and the only person who will proof check your writing is your boyfriend who can barely read himself. 


	2. The Reinhold Manor Underwhelms Everyone

Hello! Sorry there hasn't been an update in a while, I do have my reasons but first I would like to say that this is a restart of chapter two onwards. I got to mid-end of chapter 3 when I decided to restart but I just didn't think this chapter or the last were my best work. I know that's a really pretentious thing to say on a Professor Layton parody but I do like my writing to be of good quality, even on something as inane as this. So I have restarted. To make it of better quality, I have done two things

1\. I have bought a laptop so my writing is no longer done on my phone whilst walking to or from work which is great 2. I bought an actual curious village game cartridge instead of rewriting the whole game from memory like I have been. My DSI broke and I had my curious village game on one of those dodgy cards which had loads of games on (ty anyway uncle Andy) so I spent FIVE POUNDS so I could do this damn stupid story properly so YOU ALL BETTER LIKE IT AND REVIEW IT

sorry for this really long authors note, I never usually write them but I felt this whole restart deserved an explanation

Sloshing merrily, the Professor and Luke made their way into the charming village. Quaint chimneys puffed quaint smoke into the horrid grey sky. The brick houses and their straw thatched roofs were scattered all about, like pepperonis on a well-organised pizza. Luke kept his head down as all the locals stared in awe at the great Professor. Could it be that his puzzling prowess was so great it rendered them speechless? Was he so gentlemanly that his poshness radiated out of him, like a delicate Chernobyl? Or was it because he was soaking wet and had a life ring stuck on his top hat? It was probably the last one.

"Professor!" Luke scolded, "Watch where you're splashing! You are getting water everywhere and these houses are made of straw and peasant things. Do you want to be the cause of another dry rot outbreak?"

Luckily, the Professor didn't care and carried on further into the village, leaving puzzle puddles of archeological intellect behind him. The drawbridge now far behind them, Professor Layton and Luke reached a small square in the street, where a few smelly locals were smelling up the place. The professor shook like a dog, sending disgusting water all over them.

"Oh, dear!" Exclaimed a small, frightened old woman, "You just got water all over my shoe. My toes are like little tadpoles, squelching about in my shoes."

"My apologies, madam. I went swimming in your disgusting lake a few moments ago."

Luke shut his eyes and went to his happy place - a ball pit where the balls were replaced with chicken nuggets. The old lady chuckled.

"Ah, Franco cocked the bridge up again, did he? He's always storming around, eating rocks and ruining everyone's days. You didn't drink any of it, I hope! It is incredibly diseased."

"Unfortunately, I must say I had about four pitchers worth. I suppose I'll be peeing and pooing and sicking all over this village," the professor lamented.

"Christ, this is just like Disney Land all over again," Luke whispered to himself.

"Yes, well, could be worse. We have fish in that river that are attracted to the scent of urine and swim up your urethra and eat you. Anywho, would you like to solve this puzzle for me? In exchange, I will tell you all about picarats!"

However, the professor had already sploshed away, his face rather pale. Sighing, Luke followed him to where he was nervously clinging on to someone's drainpipe.

"Let me guess. We're about to have our first sick?"

The professor shook his head.

"T-Those fish…"

"But, professor! You didn't wee in the water so you should be fine...oh. Oh...no. Professor...you didn't!"

"It was a long car journey, alright! We all make mistakes!"

Luke stamped his foot in anguish and all-round fury.

"Well, that's just great! You're going to get eaten alive by pee-pee fish and I'll have to live in this stupid village with no McDonald's forever. You are so selfish."

Whilst Luke was cursing the heavens above and the professor was doing a very discrete throw up into an unsuspecting woman's handbag, a mysterious figure regarded them. He stroked his chin and his mustache bristled as he watched the scene play out.

"Intruiging...I was going to explain hint coins to these two, however, I will wait. I am going to keep a close eye on these two."

The professor wiped his mouth on a passing dog and slapped Luke in the face.

"Save your grief, my boy! I know my upcoming end will upset you deeply, but we came here to do a job. When I am gone, you must still have your will to be a gentleman and solve puzzles around the globe! Time is a fast-paced lazy river in a holiday resort and I am simply a little drowned bee, washed up in it's current."

"Professor, that would have been very moving if I gave a toss about puzzles or being a gentleman. Let's find this stupid tomato thing and get me out of this peasant-ville before you get too ill to drive."

With that heart-warming sentiment, the two made their way into the main town square. It was very cute! There was a tall clock-tower, a post office and a mysterious door with 'GET OUT' scrawled on in blood. It was all so quaint and homely!

"Hello, you two!" A little rat man piped up, "My name is Percy! I love writing and puzzles! If you solve this puzzle, I'll tell you a secret about this village."

It took hours. It took days. It didn't actually, but it did take them a very long time. Roughly, twenty minutes to be precise. Eventually, they solved the puzzle when Luke had the genius idea to google it on his first generation iPhone.

"Now!" The professor declared to Percy, "Tell us this secret!"

"Yes. We love secrets. Especially when it is something scandalous about someone we secretly do not like!" Luke enthused.

Percy giggled like a repulsive chipmunk.

"Okay! The secret is...the Reinhold family are very rich!"

Professor Layton and Luke looked at the tiny little creature with disdain. They looked at each other in confusion. Then, they looked back at Percy with disdain again.

"Obviously! Of course they're rich, you tiny little pig man. The dead one was a baron, for the love of Christ!" the professor screeched.

"They had the money to hire him and he doesn't get out of bed for less than a hundred smackeroos!" Luke argued.

Percy began to cower as the two continued to berate him.

"I-I'm sorry! What- what if I told you they have a big house?"

"WE DON'T CARE!" Luke screamed like a banshee. The professor, noticing a crowd was beginning to form, started to pull Luke away from the tiny gerbil boy.

"Come on, my boy, he isn't worth it! He isn't worth going back to prison for! Let's go, now," the professor said, calmly, dragging Luke away by his ugly shoes. The two made their way away from the square, Percy's sobs still audible. They found their way to the entrance to Reinhold Manor, by some miracle. At this point, the professor put Luke down who was still swearing and cursing like an old sailor's grandad. Luke composed himself and turned to look at his surroundings.

"Professor, look at that repulsive man standing in the street. He's blocking the way to the manor. He's going to get a right kicking!"

"Now, now, Luke! Remember what your mother told you. 'Remember what your bail conditions told you', yes? Now follow her advice and the advice of Her Majesty's Court System, and be a good boy. Let us simply ask the man if he will move, rather than beat him to a pulp."

Begrudgingly, Luke approached the man with a sickly sweet smile on his big, moon face.

"Excuse me, mister man, would you kindly move out of the way so the professor and I may enter the manor, please?"

"No, I don't think I will. I have never seen you two before and I'm not about to let either of you go waltzing up to the manor. Am I an employee of the Reinhold's, some form of guard, perhaps? No! The truth is I am very protective of Lady Dahlia, despite the fact she is a miserable, stuck-up, trout-faced bint. She is rude to most everyone she meets unless they are rich, handsome or have a small truffle or chocolate in which she can eat. In that case, she eats it and is rude to you afterwards. This village is very protective of her, even though she once went through a phase where she executed us for fun. Despite this, I know our deceased friends, including my brother Michael, would want us to protect and love her."

Luckily for everyone, except the people reading this, the two managed to sneak past the man whilst he was busy saying that thing what he just said. They made their way down the drive and came to a stunning garden. It was colourful and beautiful, with flowers and butterflies of every shape and hue. A shining river gushed past, with salmon leaping out, their scales glistening. One of them winked at Luke. Luke blushed. The sunlight was speckled through the tall trees, making the two intrepid fellows feel as though they were magical fairies in a magical forest. They began to spin, and dance, and laugh. Taking in the glory of nature, their souls left their cranky bodies and rejuvenated themselves. All of Luke's rage and gluttony vanished. The professor didn't care about the fish eating him from the groin up. Luke frolicked in a flower bed whilst the professor danced on a log, like he was Patrick Swayze himself.

Sat by the river, reapplying his Jefree Star liquid lipstick, the boatman (and also make up artist) frowned at their joy and began to play Minion Rush on his phone. This happened every time someone walked into the garden and he found it extremely annoying. Smacking his purple lips together, he addressed the men.  
"Excuse me! You do realise everyone is waiting for you, ahoo-hoo? You're being quite rude!"

Heads down, the two approached the boatman as he prepared the horrible little pedalo for voyage. They got in.

"Now, I was supposed to give you a puzzle to test whether you are the real Professor Layton, however, I can't be bothered. So any form of ID will do, ahoo-hoo."

Fumbling in his damp pocket, the professor pulled out a limited edition One Direction Fan had a picture of the professor looking confused amongst the five cheeky British lads. Beside it, read 'Directioner for Life!'. The small print below read 'Member: Birth' and 'Expiration: Never'. Ramon eyed it with uncertainty.

"I apologise for the informality of it. Those darn shopping centre photobooths are one puzzle in which I shall never crack."

"It makes it a nightmare when he's trying to buy gin," Luke sighed.

"I'll accept it, from one directioner to another," Ramon sighed as the pedalo reached the dock. It was a big swan with 'Property of Stanley Park' emblazoned on it. However, somebody had to go to the trouble of writing 'NOT' before these words. Ramon caught the professor eying it. "Have to cover our backs, you see. The baron did not believe in buying boats so he had us steal from the local parks."

Eventully, the dinged up dinghy arrived at the dock and the two disembarked.

"Thank you, Ramon!" the professor called out, although he wasn't sure what he was thanking him for.

"Ahoo-hoo! Just make sure you hurry, everyone is waiting for you!"

"Everyone? What do you mean 'everyone'? I thought it was just Lady Dahlia?" the professor replied. Ramon simply gave him the deuces and peddled away.

"What a bloody scam!" Luke exclaimed, "He's the boatman and made us pedal the whole way! Now my knees hurt and there's an ant on my shoe!"

The two turned to be confronted with the huge building that was Reinhold manor. It was massive, with turrets like wizard hats. Every inch of the structure was regal and elegant.

"Wow! It's more like a palace!" Luke shouted, panicking all the nearby birds, "It is GINORMOUS! It's HUGE! It is a GIANT GIGANTIC place! It is positively BIG!"

Layton shrugged.

"I've seen better. And grander. I've watched some episodes of Grand Designs that would laugh in this big houses face."

And with that, it was time to enter Reinhold Manor. 


	3. Dahlia's Pussy is Loose

An hour had passed and the two were still stood outside the manor, necks craned up at the building. Luke was still rambling about how great it was, which was mainly just other synonyms for 'big'. Professor Layton was still talking about episodes of Grand Designs and now they,'quite frankly made this place look like a crack den'. The door slowly creaked open.

"Erm, hello. My name is Matthew. I am the butler here," the timid man explained, "I've been waiting to greet you at the door for a while now and I was wondering if the two of you were going to actually come in."

"I mean, I definitely wasn't done slagging this place off. How about you, Luke?"

"I've only just got my thesaurus out so, no."

Head hung in disappointment, Matthew began to shut the door until an angry tractor of a woman marched down the spiral staircase. She shoved Matthew out of the way and dragged the pair in by their ears.

"Honestly! I am paying you ONE HUNDRED bloody pounds per bloody hour and so far all you've done is drink half the bloody moat and slagged off my house. As for you, you little brat, cause one more of my villagers to cry and I'll drown you in the bath. Making those vermin cry is my bloody job!"

She began to drag them up the stairs, the two puzzle pals slamming against every marble step as she stomped up.

"What a horrible woman," Luke remarked to the professor, "I'm going to have bruises all over my shins and look a fool at the school disco. When I get a chance, I am definitely going to bite her!"

However, the professor wasn't listening and, for once, it wasn't out of ignorance. He was gazing up at Lady Dahlia, eyes sparkling as she began to draw blood from his tiny ear.

"She's...beautiful! Look at her stunning face, her eyes, that mouth...her calves!" Layton exclaimed, "Luke, I hope you brought your acrylics because I need a portrait of me getting dragged up the stairs by an _angel_!"

Luke scoffed.

"If you think I'm wasting my good paints on a picture of that witch, you can get lost."

Lady Dahlia hauled them into the main room, leaving Luke to take in his surroundings and Layton to take in his new love. The room was very fancy, with a diamond chandelier and a 'live, laugh, love' quote on the wall made out of Swarovski crystals. Ornate, expensive furniture filled most of the room. The rest was filled by a giant, sweaty fat man in the corner. Meanwhile, shoved into the corner, was a very skinny man who bore a striking resemblance to that one smart chipmunk from the movie masterpiece 'Alvin and the Chipmunks'. Luke immediately wandered over to the fat man.

"Hello, you are very fat."

"Yes, I am," he replied, dabbing his sweaty forehead with a piece of smoked, breaded ham, "My name is Gordon, little boy. Do you happen to know of any sexy ladies in my area?"

"I'm afraid that I do not. There's my mother but she is in a relationship with a friend of mine. My father."

Meanwhile, still enraptured by the beauty of the dragon before him, Layton tipped his hat to Lady Dahlia, who was ignoring him and stroking a large piece of lint.

"My lady, what an honour it is to be before you. Not until you have I felt a love like this. Well, apart from my super dead girlfriend but we don't talk about her."

Lady Dahlia flicked her mousey brown hair behind her ears and was about to tell the professor how utterly repulsive he was to her, emotionally and physically when there was a huge crash. Vibrations ran through the house, making the chandelier fall on Gordon. With a yowl, the fluffy white lint leapt from Lady Dahlia's scaly arms and ran out of the door.

"Claudia!" She shrieked after her runaway, "Come back my precious princess!"

"Christ, professor!" Luke exclaimed, "What sort of crappy mansion has a disco-dance-boogaloo feature?"

"I feel like Sandy in Grease when she's in the Shake shack at the end. Except I'm about to be sick and my Danny is sobbing over a furball," Layton spluttered.

The shaking ceased and everyone began to compose themselves. Luke marched straight over to the distressed woman, fists clenched.

"What the heck was that, madam? Explain yourself!"

"Claudia! My precious one! Matthew! MATTHEW!" She screeched horrifically.

The tiny moleman ran up the stairs, huffing and puffing.

"Madam? You screeched horrifically?"

"Claudia ran out! Tell me you caught her!"

Matthew paled at his failure.

"I-I'm sorry, madam, I must've missed her. I was nearly crushed by a large pillar and barely escaped with my life."

Unsurprisingly, Lady Dahlia didn't care about her butler nearly dying a tragic and gruesome death. No, she was more concerned with the mundane fact that her cat may or may not be, outside. She tore at her hair, which she accidentally flung at the Professor, and screamed like a banshee. The Professor immediately began trying to fashion the hair into a new cat for her before he was grabbed by the collar.

"You! You let her out so you must go and find her!" She squawked, causing the professor to drop his hair cat. Before he could reply, Luke barged his way between them.

"Absolutely not! It's not our fault your cat got out! It's whoever caused that massive noise and scared her off!" he argued, "Also, I think you're a giant witch and a bully. That means a lot from me because I've been jailed for both of those crimes."

Professor Layton started ushering the angry child towards the door as Lady Dahlia began to turn red with rage. Faking a smile, he laughed out loud at the silly things kids come out with.

"Oh, the silly things kids come out with! Don't you worry, my lady. We shall retrieve your little kitty cat, even if it kills Luke. Now, let's get a move on," he simpered as he tried desperately to shove the still-arguing Luke out of the door. Eventually, after an almighty kick, Luke went flying out of the door and down the stairs. Layton ran after him.

"Professor! What the hell are you doing? There was no way that cat escaping was our fault and I don't want to go and catch the stupid thing. Also, you kicked me down the stairs which was an inconvenience too."

Layton had already got to the front door. He opened it and then slammed it shut with a shriek. Putting a finger to his lips, he signalled to Luke and they both peeked to see Claudia having a lovely time outside. She was basking in the sun, rolling and somehow smiling. The professor made some hand signals and then pointed at the door.

"Don't worry," Luke whispered, "I've got this."

The professor slowly and silently opened the door. Luke took a deep breath and then ran out, screaming. Claudia screamed and ran off into town.

"You stupid boy! What on earth was that? Lady Dahlia is never going to give me a bit of crumpet if you scare her cat away."

Luke huffed and the two started the long walk into town, after the fugitive feline. Meanwhile, amongst the smouldering remains of what used to be the rose garden, a mysterious figure stepped out and watched the two. He coughed and choked on the smoke, as the two cheeky chaps bickered down the drive.

"So...this is St Mystere, heh? Feels...mysterious. I hope that fat old baron laid plenty of traps before he kicked it so I can watch old Professor Pooface struggle his way through this. Then, I can claim the treasure and laugh in his stupid face!"

Completely oblivious to the giant fire and the sound of nefarious laughter, the two made their way back into the town. Ramon was too busy harassing his ex-boyfriend online so the two didn't have to talk to him as they did his job for him. Once they had rowed to shore, they left the estate.

"Look, Luke!" the professor interrupted as Luke began to make some good points in their argument, "That shop was locked before and it isn't now! Lets break in and steal their cheeses."

"Need I remind you that I am not a thief. Just a bully who got caught placing a hex on his mentor," Luke scowled, "We don't even have time. The cat is still out there being a cat and you're going to die soon."

"Oh, yes, I was so entranced by my love I forgot. Those fish will begin eating my flesh anytime soon," the professor remarked, sadly, "Nevertheless, I suppose we should crack on then. No more distractions!"

Just as he uttered these words, a distraction emerged. It was Franco, the bridgekeeper with a heart of gold and a body of lumpy grease. He was spitting furiously, like a sausage in a pan, scaring the local children, until he saw some familiar faces.

"You two! Help me out, willyfish-man and his child friend. I'm in bother."

"Oh, hell, what do you want?" Luke frowned.

"Some stupid piece of work put the bridge up whilst I was going for a poo-poo. Then, the bozo stole my precious crank! It was the only one I had left because I kept getting confused and eatin' them."

"It's a tale as old as time," the professor sighed, patting Franco on the back, "Don't you worry, you disgusting thing, you. We will find your crank, if we can be bothered. It doesn't really affect us so we probably won't."

"B-But it does! Without that crank, no one can get in or out of the village!"

Luke screamed like a stood-up teen on prom night. The professor nearly vomited. Franco farted from nervousness and then professor actually did vomit.

"Wait! I have something that will help this situation!" Franco suddenly exclaimed. He held out his dirty palm to reveal...a piece of garbage, "Yeah! Look at this doodad! I reckon it's a big old clue."

"I reckon you're a big old moron," the professor snarled, wiping his mouth on Luke's hat, "Boy, you take that weird...thing. I can't be bothered with this anymore."

Luke looked at the little metal object that Franco handed him. A sudden flash of inspiration hit him. He carefully placed it into his pocket and chased after the professor who had already marched off. They reached the square and halted. Claudia was sat in the sunlight, happy and docile as any cat could be.

"Professor, let me try. You know about my...special talent."

"Ah, yes! Your incredible, mind-blowing talent that is unique and jaw-dropping! I completely forgot all about it," The professor mused as Luke slowly approached the feline. He dropped low to the floor and slowly extended a hand to Claudia.

"Hey, Claudia. I'm Luke and I really want you to come back to Reinhold Manor with me. It would really mean a lot to me and Lady Dahlia. She misses you and I really need to make it up to the professor," he asked her, turning to look at the professor with a warm smile. Sensing the love and respect emanating from the boy, Claudia screeched and scratched Luke ferociously. He screamed and fell to the floor as the cat fled. The professor ran to his bleeding child.

"Luke! Are you okay?"

"Not really, professor. She nearly took my damn eye out," Luke cried.

"It's okay, Luke. You tried. Just know that you failed me completely."

On that statement, Layton got up and left Luke trembling on the floor.

"Wow!" A tall, strange man who looked a bit like a pharoh exclaimed, "That cat nearly killed your boy!"

Layton shrugged as Luke tried to feebly get up after the attack.

"He'll be fine. Did you see where the thing went?"

"Oh, yeah! She went off towards the park to terrify some more brave cowards like me!"

The professor sighed at the friendly stranger and began the journey towards the park, Luke barely catching up to him in his bewildered state. As they rounded the corner, they saw an old woman, hobbling along the road. There was also a screaming man, clearly very angry. In the background, there was a huge fairground. It would have been whimsical and entrancing if it didn't look decrepit and ghastly.

Luke decided to hedge his bets and talk to the old woman, sensing a more polite conversation compared to the screaming man, who by this point was red with rage. He meandered up to her and waved politely.

"Hello, madam. We were wondering if you'd seen a fluffy white cat come by here? Have you?"

The old woman rolled her eyes back into her head and started chanting. Then she stopped. Then she started again because she wanted to know if her football team were going to win that weekend. Then, she rolled her eyes normally this time because they weren't.

"Little boy," she mumbled ominously, "If you go after that cat unprepared, you'll die a grisly and gruesome death."

Luke looked longingly at the shouty man who had seemingly given the professor a nice puzzle to solve. The two were solving and laughing and laughing and solving - it looked fun! Before he could turn back fully, the old woman had shoved some skeletons in his face.

"Take these fish bones," she continued, ignoring Luke's yell, "And the creature will come to you."

"Oh, t-thank you, madam! They will come in handy-"

"But you will have to solve this puzzle for me."

After everyone had solved their puzzles, and one had even made a new friend in a shouty man, the two made their way toward the park gate where Claudia was sat, cleaning her paws in the sun. Luke regarded her warmly.

"Professor, I feel quite bad. She must hate being cooped up in that manor with that cow, never being allowed outside."

The professor couldn't help but agree. Maybe it was the sudden worry of his own death, but he felt his heart soften somewhat. But then he remembered the size of Lady Dahlia's busoms and chucked the fish carcasses at the cat, where they hit her squarely in the face. Whilst she was distracted, he scooped her up and began to walk through the town, returning to Reinhold Manor. However, if they had been aware of the grisly scene that awaited them there, they would have turned around and got as far away from that village as possible.


	4. The Servant May Have Killed Someone

**Guess who's returned (it's me). I got a lovely review which I am going to post here to rub it in everyone's faces**

"Honestly, I am nearly a year too late for this story, but I don't regret that - because the phrase "Better late than never" is close to becoming my life motto.

So I just wanted to leave a review to tell you I live and appreciate this story a lot"

**Tbh this story is just for fun but this was a lovely review and it did make me want to write this again so here we are. Because we could all use a bit of silliness right now**

The professor and Luke made their way back to the manor, with a spring in their step. The sky had gone a nicer shade of grey, birds were tweeting somewhere nearby and the sun had come out and started ominous chanting. All in all, it was still quite unsettling but it was definitely an improvement compared to before. Even Claudia seemed to be in a better mood. Admittedly, it was because she thought these two strangers and their fishy gifts were taking her to a new life elsewhere, but she didn't know better. She was just a cat, after all.

However, as they reached the mansion gates, a cold chill ripped through their bones. The sky got even more grey, the birds started crying and the sun was now giving everyone a dirty look. Even Claudia got upset, trying to wrestle herself from the professor's grasps. This wasn't because of the dour mood though, she'd actually just realised she was being taken home. She was just a cat, after all.

"Professor, I feel a bit funny."

"I concur, you putrid child. I feel aggressive and angry. Hence why I just called you a putrid child."

"I did notice that," Luke agreed, "We should be careful."

That lasted for all of ten seconds until they reached the boat and Ramon had 'borrowed' it to go and sell down Camden Market. It wasn't much but it was honest work. This meant they had to wade across and best believe those flesh-eating urethra fish were on their minds the whole time. They reached the mansion and Matthew didn't say anything about how soggy they were, which was kind of him. It was mainly because he was too busy having a manic breakdown, so much so he hadn't noticed.

"Oh, professor! It is simply awful! Something terrible has happened!"

The professor marched past him. He brandished the cat before him and marched up the stairs.

"Lady Dahlia, my jugasaurus rex! I've retrieved your hairy beast!" he exclaimed. He dropped his act - and Claudia, unfortunately - when he realised everyone was crying. The cat tried to flee from him but accidentally ended up in Lady Dahlia's wretched claws.

"Claudia! My darling!"

"Who the hell brought this stupid animal into my crime scene?" roared an angry little man, who did resemble Hitler a bit. Going against all common sense, the professor raised his hand with a wide grin.

"That would be I! I am the great Professor Layton, solver of such cases as 'That Thing in the Jungle' and 'Who Left the Milk Out'?"

"And I am Luke!" announced Luke, who'd just entered the room with the same level of misguided enthusiasm as his predecessor, "The apprentice of the great Professor Layton and the culprit of such cases as 'Who Left the Milk Out?'."

The mysterious stranger didn't seem impressed by this. Instead he cleared his throat to try and alert the two to the overwhelming grief in the room. This didn't work and the two were still grinning. Luke's smile dropped and he gave a deep sniff.

"I can smell body bags. What's going on? Why is my fat little pal weeping in the corner?"

"My name is Inspector Chelmey of Scotland Yard. I'm here to solve the murder."

"Well, that;s good. You'd better get back to that. Murder isn't very good," the professor nodded sagely. Luke concurred with this notion. A few moments of silence passed in the room, following the ten minutes of silence that had already passed. Luke and the professor grinned. Claudia meowed. The inspector cleared his throat again. Someone coughed.

"Aren't you going to ask who was murdered?" Lady Dahlia asked.

"I didn't think it was any of our business. We only just got here, after all," the professor frowned, "Luke and I tend not to get involved in the affairs of others."

"Well, you should!" the inspector shouted, finally seizing a chance to dramatically accuse the two, "Because you're both suspects! In the murder of Simon Reinhold!"

Everyone gasped, including the inspector who had gotten swept up in the moment.

"Shiver me timbers!" the professor yelled, "This is shocking! I am shocked! I am sorry, but could someone remind me as to who that is?"

The inspector ignored this as it was well overdue for his dramatic explanation.

"Today, the nephew of Baron Reinhold, Simon Reinhold, was found dead here in the manor. I am going to find the killer and give them a right good talking to."

"Sorry, what's happening?" the professor addressed the room.

"All the details are classified! I'm not having you, Professor Layton, sticking your nose into my case and solving it. That's my job! You stick to finding your rare antiques whilst I do big boy stuff."

Luke surveyed the room and realised his Alvin and the Chipmunks friend was gone.

"Oh no, professor! I think it was Simon, the specky cretin in the corner."

"Oh, now, that is a shame. The two of you seemed to get along and I was going to ask him to babysit you when I was off plowing Lady Dahlia."

The inspector sighed, thinking that even the ridiculous professor would be affected by a murder. However, he had underestimated him. He was just a cat, after all.

"No, I'm not! Anyway, I need to question you, Professor Layton because I reckon you're suspicious. Give me a minute or two to decide what questions I'm gonna ask because I'm not sure yet and then you are getting questioned, mister."

He left the room and everyone stood around uncomfortably.

"Professor, maybe we should ask questions about this murder. I've got a sneaking suspicion that the inspector might not like us and he might try and frame us. I'm not going back to pen," Luke frowned. There was a creak behind them and they turned to see Matthew stood nervously behind them.

"Professor Layton! Child! I found this by Simon's body but I wanted to give it to you. If I may be so bold, I don't trust the inspector. My faith lies solely with you in finding who did this to poor Master Reinhold. He may not have been everyone's cup of tea but he deserves justice."

The professor smiled sympathetically at the little man. It could have been the sadness in his voice, the tears in his eyes or the tears in the professor's trousers but he felt a chill at this moment.

"Luke, we must try and find the killer! Let's see this clue!" he shouted. He looked at the tiny cog in Matthew's palm. Suddenly, Chelmey stomped back into the room and the professor quickly shoved the cog into Luke's mouth for safe keeping.

"Any news, inspector? I am so very worried!" Gordon wept, "What if the killer is after me next?"

"I hope so," the professor snidely remarked. He was meant to whisper it but accidentally shouted it from the top of his voice, causing Gordon to tremble and sob.

"Yeah, to be fair, he does have a point about that Gordon," Chelmey conceded, "Alas, no. I want to speak to everyone who was present at the manor when this crime took place! Is this everyone?"

Matthew looked around with a worried expression.

"No, Ramon isn't here. He got back from selling our property illegally about an hour ago so he would have been here for the killing."

"Well, it's not too important as I was going to frame the crime on Layton here," Chelmey began to say. Layton looked up, hand halfway down Luke's throat, trying to find that important cog.

"Pardon?"

"No, we must fetch Ramon!" Matthew exclaimed. Lady Dahlia cleared her throat and screeched his name like an eagle or an angry kestrel. However, Ramon did not appear. Matthew ran down to look for him but returned alone.

"He's gone! Come to think of it, I haven't seen him for a few hours."

Chelmey gasped in horror. Luke did too, but that was only because the professor had just pulled the cog out from his throat and he needed to throw up.

"Maybe he has been murdered too!" the inspector shouted, despite there being no evidence for this. The professor regarded this cooly but ignored it. He was just a cat policeman, after all. The inspector noticed the professor's suspicion and adjusted himself, "Ramon is a suspect too! Maybe he fled the scene!"

Chelmey marched off to ruin people's days elsewhere as Luke, who had just been sick on the inspector's coat, tugged the professor's sleeve.

"Where did Lady Dahlia go?"

"Lady Dahlia was very overwhelmed with everything that has happened today," Matthew replied.

"What, the murder?"

Matthew shook his head.

"No, her cat running away. She has gone to relax in the adjoining room and clear her head. She's very delicate, despite her hard exterior," he explained. The professor nodded sagely.

"Like a Mars Bar, yes. Matthew, I would like to ask Lady Mars Bar a few questions. I promise I will be gentle so as to not upset her anymore than she is already."

Lady Dahlia was just composing herself, ready to have a sleep when the door slammed open and Luke barged in.

"Halt!" he exclaimed as the professor followed him in.

"Give us answers, Lady Barhlia!" the confused professor shouted, accidentally walking into a coffee table and spilling its contents everywhere.

Lady Dahlia observed this chaos coldly as Luke began trying to rip an antique lamp from it's wall socket. The professor was scrambling around on the floor, trying to collect everything he had just thrown everywhere.

"What on earth is going on?"

Luke finally ripped the lamp out from the wall with a sharp tug and shone it in her eye's, oblivious to the fact that it wasn't actually on anymore.

"Don't play dumb with us, lady!" the professor shouted, not scrambling to get himself up off the floor. His legs slipped out from under him and he knocked the coffee table over himself once more, as he flailed about.

"Listen, missy, I've got kids to feed!" Luke muttered sharply, "Tell us what we want to know!"

"I'd love to but you haven't told me what you want me to tell you," Dahlia frowned, disregarding everything around her.

"WHY?" Luke screeched. Matthew popped his head round the corner, after hearing a series of bangs and shouts. He surveyed the scene and then shut the door again to continue dusting.

The professor finally managed to get up and dusted himself off.

"Lady Dahlia, I am worried that this murder is connected to the Golden Apple," the professor calmly stated, after reading that letter again to remind himself of what he was meant to be doing, "The two are definitely linked."

"Do you think Ramon is involved, professor?"

"Well, I don't know, do I?" the professor snapped, "I'm not even sure who Simon is, let alone Ramon."

Lady Dahlia seemed to ignore his rudeness but, in actuality, she just hadn't been listening. She'd caught sight of her reflection in the lamp Luke was holding and was admiring her reflection.

"Well, professor, I have a request for you. Please, find Ramon and bring him back here. I refuse to be considered a suspect in a case such as this so the sooner I can blame that idiot, the better."

"Of course, Lady Dahlia. Anything for you, my sweet little woman. My future wife if you fix those split ends. May I ask how you expect me to do that?"

Lady Dahlia screwed her face up and wondered whether she should have gone with a higher rated investigator from the yellow pages. She had only found the professor's ad on the side of a bench with breast drawn on it, by the professor himself.

"By going through the village and asking around, you idiot!"

"No!" the professor shouted, daunted by the thought of hard work.

"NO!" Luke gurgled wildly, still wrestling with the lamp.

The Lady Dahlia walked out because she was getting quite frustrated with the two and left them standing in the side room. Luke, who had gotten himself tangled in the lamp's cord, flailed and accidentally knocked over a small photo frame. The professor picked it up, hoping for a nude photo of Lady Dahlia, or even better - Kylie Minogue. He was disheartened to see a photo of Lady Dahlia holding a little baby, surrounded by Matthew and the small old lady the professor had initially dripped on when he first arrived in the village.

"Oh, hell, I didn't know she had a kid. Damn. I wanted to avoid being a stepdad for as long as possible."

"Why don't you ask Lady Dahlia about it," Luke replied, sweetly, worried a new child in the professor's would usurp him as favourite. They left the room, but were instantly collared by Chelmey, who was snarling like a pitbull.

"Well, well, well. Professor Layton, I heard you're something of a puzzle slut. Solve this and we can be best friends forever and ever and make friendship bracelets by the river during sunset!"

The professor gasped in hope and grabbed the puzzle with sweaty hands just to find a big jigsaw that read 'JOKING, NO WE WON'T'. Chelmey burst out laughing and sauntered off. Drowning his sorrows, he turned to Lady Dahlia to ask her about this child of hers. Luke took one of the jigsaw pieces and connected it to the gizmo Franco had gobbed into his palm whilsy they were looking for Claudia. It took the form of a little dog leg! Luke marvelled at his creation and began to scour the room for other pieces.

"What are you talking about?" Lady Dahlia frowned, "I've never had a child."

"There's a photo of you in that room with a baby. You definitely just pushed the tyke out as well because you looked disheveled and a bit minging."

"What part of 'I've never had a child' are you struggling with?"

The professor walked away in annoyance and dragged Luke out with him, whilst he was still hunting for rubbish behind the couch. The small boy protested but he was dragged downstairs anyway.

"I've got the slight suspicion she is lying to me due to the fact there is evidence she is lying to me. We need to ask Matthew."

"Does it really matter?" asked Luke as the professor finally let him go at the bottom of the stairs, "She doesn't want anything to do with you."

"Ah, Matthew!" the professor exclaimed upon seeing the still-grieving butler, "I found a picture of you and Lady Dahlia looking at a baby. I know she's definitely got a kid, I can smell the amniotic fluid from here."

Matthew turned around quickly, disturbed from his secret cry in the corner.

"I'm afraid you're incorrect, sir. That was the Baron's first wife, you see. She and the baron had one child, little Flora. Here she is," he explained, gesturing to a large portrait on the wall. It showed a beautiful young girl, eyes wide as saucers and sandy brown hair in a delicate ponytail.

"Where did she go? We haven't seen her," the professor asked.

"Why, I'm unsure. She vanished one night."

The professor looked back up at the portrait. Indeed, there seemed to be a quiet sadness in Flora's beautiful, black eyes. A small smile on her face betrayed no emotion yet there was a despondent aura emanating from the oak frame.

"After her father's death?"

"Oh, no. The Baron and Lady Dahlia went out for tapas one night and left her in their room alone. When they returned, she'd gone."

Matthew turned around and held up a stunning oak-wood frame, varnished to a clean glow.

"If you like portraits, sir, perhaps I could leave this in your hands. It once held the most lovely picture. I was hoping to one day restore it, alas I believe a gentleman such as yourself would be much better equipped to do that."

The professor thankfully took the frame, and attempted to jam it into his suitcase. It didn't fit so instead he put it around his head like a large wooden mayor's chain.

"Hang on one mimosa," Luke frowned, "You mean the woman in that picture wasn't Lady Dahlia? They looked exactly alike! How can they be two different people?"

"Well, now. He may have had similar wives and may have led similar lives but they were different nonetheless!" rapped Matthew, "I suppose you could say he had a type. Lady Viola pegged it and he rocked up, stinking of booze and machine oil, with Lady Dahlia by his side."

Luke scrunched up his face, not entirely sure he believed this tale, due to it being completely unbelievable. He got himself ready to complain about this when the professor nodded towards the door. He immediately understood this subtle hint and followed his mentor out of the door, ready to receive whatever information was in store for him. They stood there for a few moments in silence; Luke staring in awe and the professor hard in thought.

"Right, shall we off?" the professor eventually asked.

"Didn't you have something to tell me?"

"What? Oh, no. I just needed to do a trump and felt embarrassed to do it in front of Matthew. Not you though, my boy!"

Luke wasn't sure whether to be insulted or heartwarmed by this. It ended up being a bit of both, with a hint of disgust as it did stink from all that river water he drank before. The professor walked off and Luke began to follow, until he walked into his back with a painful thump. He peered around to see what the professor was staring at.

Sat in the middle of the path, was Claudia. She was having a great time, rolling in the grass and sunbathing. She'd even found something fun to nibble on! Unfortunately, the professor grabbed it from her, knocking one of her teeth out by accident.

"Simon's glasses!" Luke gasped, as the professor held the spectacles up, making a real spectacle out of them, "What was Claudia doing with these?"

"It's very obvious, Luke. Claudia here was destroying evidence. Whether it was on purpose or not, she will be charged with tampering with evidence and perverting the course of justice," the professor sadly said, picking Claudia up by the scruff of her neck, "This is a murder investigation. She'll likely get a life sentence. That's anywhere between fifteen to twenty years, before parole. Yet, how was she to know? She is just a cat, after all."

Luke began to tear up at the thought of the poor kitty going behind bars. He loved animals, despite how much of a brute he was, and hated prison. The two combined were too much to bear.

"What will we do, professor?"

"We shall have to report the beast to Inspector Chelmey," he sighed in reply, "We should probably give him this clue whilst we're there!"

"Ah, Layton," Chlemey huffed, when Layton and Luke appeared back inside the manor, "What can I do for you?"

"Well, Chelmey, we would like to accuse this cat of perverting the course of justice," Layton explained, lumbering the felonious feline into Chelmey's arms, "Also, we found Simon's glasses outside where Claudia was eating them. We believe she was trying to destroy the evidence but we'll allow the courts and yourself to decide that."

Chelmey processed this information with a furrowed brow, not entirely understanding what had just been said to him. He brushed this off and got defensive, desperate for Layton not to sense his confusion and unease.

"Yeah, well, whatever. Not even a good clue, is it, really. Probably just fell off the body when it was carried out of the village and that. Don't waste my time again!" he scoffed as he put Claudia into handcuffs, "Anyway, if you have time to manage the village lost and found, you have time to find that Golden Apple whatsit and also get a girlfriend or something. I don't know. I have a big, busty wife so I wouldn't get what it's like to be lonely like you."

Chelmey toddled off after this scathing attack, leaving the professor and Luke stood in the manor doorway, confused and a bit nervous. They left the manor, heads hung low.

"I don't like that Chelmey!" Luke exclaimed, loud as he could so Chelmey might overhear and feel insecure, "He stinks of smoke all the time and I get the impression he doesn't like you that much, professor."

"Don't worry, Luke. I am made of stern stuff!" smiled the professor as he held back hurt tears, "Besides, we have better things to do than 'solve crimes'. We need to find Ramon, remember."

The two wandered out of the manor garden and quickly made their way into town. The entire village seemed to either be unmoved or unaware of the grisly murder that had taken place at Reinhold Manor that day. Everyone was bustling around, enjoying their day and going about their business. Franco was busy gnawing on the wooden bridge, in a vain effort to try and open the town up again. Agnes, the kindly old grumpboat who gave Layton and Luke those fishbones, was telling everyone how they were going to die. Pauly was shouting at a lamppost. The mysterious mustachioed man who watched them enter town, was hidden behind the lamppost, still spying.

Luke and Layton asked them all if they'd seen Ramon, yet to no avail. Yet, all they got in return was shrugs, puzzles and ominous warnings about the tower in the north of town. Like Luke needed reminding. He kept seeing the ghastly structure in the corner of his eyes and felt a shiver every time he caught sight of it. It was like a shadow person; following him around wherever he went. The professor interrupted these thoughts.

"I reckon we go have a look around that ominous tower in the north of town, Luke. I know it doesn't have anything to do with what we're doing but I reckon it's got a gift shop. They probably sell all sorts of novelties and perhaps even gourmet cheeses."

"Absolutely not, professor. By the way, where are we actually staying?"

"Aha! Getting tired, my boy? No worries. I visited the inn earlier whilst you were busy asking everyone about Ramon. They said there was no room because they've got the 60-Minute Makeover team in for the next eight months. I told them, however, you were pregnant with the son of God and needed somewhere to give birth so they've put us in a stable."

Luke wasn't sure how he felt about that.

"I'm not sure how I feel about that."

The pair made their way to the clock tower. That pharaoh-looking man, Derek, was standing in front of it but Luke pretended to be a cat and he quickly scampered off. They entered through the doorway below it and ended up in a small alley-way. There was a cat torturing a mouse there.

"Professor! That cat is going to eat that poor little mouse!"

"I'm gonna need some mouse-to-mouse resuscitation after this!" the mouse cheekily exclaimed before the cat bashed it round the jaw, sending it screaming.

The professor saw the panic in Luke's face and felt instantly sorry for the lad. Taking pity on Luke for his great love of animals, the professor kicked the cat in the stomach and sent it crashing through someone's window. Unfortunately, the mouse was now bleeding and brain damaged but the two didn't notice. They happily skipped along through the backstreets of St. Mystere, unaware of the numerous animal cruelty letters that would be awaiting them once they got home. Luke's mood was only improved when he found a pretty girl stood by the fork in the road.

"Hey, I saw how you saved that mouse. It was really impressive," she blushed, "My name's Lucy. What's yours?"

"My name's Luke," he replied, so nervous he felt like he might vomit all over her, "H-Have you seen Ramon anywhere? We're trying to solve a murder, you see."

"What? No, we're not," Layton exclaimed in confusion before Luke discretely punched him in the thigh. Lucy giggled at the boy's obvious attempts to impress her further.

"I have, actually. He's probably in the cafe up ahead. He's such a party animal. He usually goes there for a few baileys and then screeches at women."

The two ventured into the cafe where a dumpy little man was standing behind the counter, giving them a dirty look. Luke was immediately drawn to a pile of rubbish in the corner. He went through it all and began digging out pieces of interest, connecting them to his gizmo from before.

"Why is that urchin of yours going through my junk pile? That's the highlight of my establishment, that is!" shouted the owner, a short tempered man named Crumm.

"Sorry about him, his parents don't love him," the professor explained, "Have you seen Ramon by any chance?

"He's not gone missing, has he?" Crumm gasped, "So many disappearances lately. St Mystere is a scary place these days. People are vanishing all the time. They complain about feeling unwell and then POOF. Then, all of a sudden they come back with no memories. Like something out of a horror film, isn't it?"

The professor shrugged.

"Sounds like when they need to temporarily write someone out of a soap because they're pregnant or going to prison or something."

Crumm shook suddenly, either through fright or from a chill. There was a big gaping hole in the ceiling, after all. Meanwhile, Luke had made himself busy in the corner by doing some light robotic engineering. At his side stood a charming robot dog. It was of various metals and gizmos and had a charming face. It wagged his tail and barked at the professor, who panicked and swore at it.

"Oi, no dogs!" Crumm shouted at it.

"It's not a real dog. It's a robot that I just made. I think he'll be able to help us look for clues, professor!"

"O-ho, what a charming little pooch he is. What shall you name him, Luke?"

Luke thought for a very long time. The little dog panted and sat by his master's shoe, eagerly awaiting his new name with a wagging tale. Eventually, Luke looked up with an excited face.

"Monsieur FartyPants!"

"Wonderful! What a help he'll be!" the professor grinned as Monsieur FartyPants barked and spun in a circle, excited for the new family he now had. They wiled away an hour or two, teaching Monsieur FartyPants new tricks, eating bar snacks, drinking coffees and bullying Zappnone out when he tried to order a cappuccino. Crumm even told them all about the dark rumours floating around St. Mystere. The strange vanishing villagers, Lady Dahlia's bodycount and the monster that lived in the tower who roared, causing loud noises in the village. He even mentioned a strange old man who lurked around the village.

"Guy near here, name of Prosciutto, swears blind he saw an old man skittering about the village trying to kidnap people and that. Little guy but he eats as much as Trisha Paytas during a mukkbang video on the kitchen floor. Go visit him and ask! You might find out where Ramon is!"

The two stepped out of the cafe and into the street. It was now dark, with a soft breeze dancing around the pair like a sultry lady. It whispered at their hair and bare skin, making them shiver. Luke didn't dare look at the tower, with it being this dark. He was scared enough of it during the day time, let alone in pitch black. The two wandered down the road towards Prosciutto's house.


	5. The Servant Didn't Kill Someone, Sorry

**Sorry for the typos in the last chapter, I just reread it and saw them! I wrote that one on my phone and autocorrect always gets me. **

"Nice to see you continued this crack version of Curious Village. Is there a reason why you changed the first two chapters? Because those were very enjoyable too."

**So, I didn't want it to just be like 'random, crack, rawr xD' because I never really liked those sort of fics anyway. Even though this is a parody and a pretty stupid one at that, I still wanted it to have substance and be able to tell a story and I just felt like those first two chapters were just 'funny-haha-Luke said Boobies' compared to being just funny in general. That's sort of pretentious for a fic of this kind but I do write seriously too and I can't be proud of something I didn't work hard enough on. This sounds so snotty for such a stupid piece but we're all in a rubbish place right now and I wanted to bring this back to hopefully brighten a few people's days!**

Night had fallen in St Mystere and the two intrepid explorers were making their way to Prosciutto's house. Apparently, he had seen a terrifying old man who'd been linked to missing villagers.

"Hark, my boy," the professor hushed, "The wind has risen. I expect a frightfully cold night, mark my words."

Luke scrunched his face up at his mentor, who was holding a lantern close to his cheek. The golden glow illuminated his face, exposing the worry in his eyes. The professor licked his finger and held it into the wind. They both remained silent for a few moments before the professor sagely whispered, "Easternly."

"What are you on about, professor? I thought we only came out to get a pizza before bed?"

"No, boy! We're still trying to find that bloody Ramon before I get arrested for murder."

They eventually reached a wooden door and the professor used his professorly ways to deduce this was Prosciutto's house. This was mainly because it stunk of ham. He knocked on the door and a grisly voice shouted;

"Enter!"

The professor entered quietly, the stench of grease making him a bit nervous. Sat in the corner, like a maniacal, kebab goblin, sat a little man in blue, shoving sausages into his face.

"Who the hell are you two? Did you come here to steal my dinner?"

Luke looked at the dinner, which was a grease flooden plate with islands of ham floating in it.

"I'm alright, thanks."

"Sorry for interrupting your...delicious meal, sir. My name is Professor Layton and I wanted to ask you about the mysterious old man you saw here in the village."

Prosciutto laughed heartily and accidentally coughed up a glob of meat which flew through the air and landed on top of the professor's hat. Monsieur FartyPants barked, having found a hint coin in a pile of crisp packets. Luke grimaced and decided they didn't need it.

"Oh, yeah! That old codger! So, it was like yesterday or something. I was coming home from licking other people's shopping at the market and I saw this creepy old man in a robe prowling around. I wanted to make sure it wasn't the Grim Reaper coming to drag me into the underworld so I kicked him in the shin. He dropped this huge sack he was carrying and called me a 'fat ham gobbler'. Of course, I did the only natural thing and got out my sausage-meat nunchucks, ready to throw down, and he ran away!" Prosciutto lamented, chewing all the while. The light of his chandelier shone a meaty glow upon his sweaty forehead. That was because it was actually meat hanging from the ceiling with a lightbulb jammed inside, "I think he's the one who's been kidnapping people."

The professor and Luke shared a wary glance as Prosciutto got back to his plate of cholesterol.

"Maybe we should go, professor," the young boy murmured, tugging on his mentor's sleeve. The professor silently nodded before exchanging thanks with the greedy piglet who'd just terrified them.

"No worries, guys. Be careful out there, yeah? It's dangerous out here at night."

They left and Luke immediately whirled on the professor.

"Well, that's just fantastic. We're going to get kidnapped and murdered by some creepy old man who looks like Death and we don't even have any meat-based weaponry to defend ourselves. When I agreed to be your apprentice, this is not what I signed up for."

"Be fair, Luke. You asked to be my apprentice so you could get day release from that boarding school, _St Bernadette's Borstal for Very Naughty Boys_. Also, I really don't think this is the scariest situation we've ever been in. For example, that one time we all died and-"

Luke suddenly hushed him, luckily preventing him from releasing any more spoilers from the prequels. Out in the darkness, muffled slightly, were footsteps. Slow and steady, creeping along the concrete with the hestitance of someone trying to stay hidden.

"What if it's that old man?"

"Don't be daft, Luke. It's probably just someone sneaking out for a takeaway kebab. We should join them. I'd punch a window for a bit of donner."

The two slowly made their way down the stairs, the scared feeling in Luke's stomach threatening to make him throw up. Illuminated by the street's lamplight, they rounded the corner to be faced with a horrible scene.

An old man with a wizened face was kneeling on the floor before them, hastily stuffing a lifeless Ramon into a large sack. His blue hat and grey bushy beard hid most of his face as the two stood, bolted into the ground with screws made of fear, hammered in by the hammer of wet pants.

The professor, utmost in wisdom and diplomacy, decided to act rationally. However, before he could, Luke decided to kick off with the heat of one thousand suns.

"Oi, you fat scumlord! Put him down!"

The man, startled out of his skin, grabbed the sack full of dead Ramon, and bolted. Luke and the professor gave chase, hot on his trail. They weaved in and out of the small cobbled streets, dodging barrels and stray cats. At one point, the professor stumbled into a small display table outside a shop, sending small goods flying. Luke, on the other hand, deftly missed all obstacles, although he did send a small old man named Gerald flying over a railing as he hunted for his missing watch.

"It's alright, chaps!" he shouted at the heroes as he lay broken on the floor, "All's fair in love and war." Old dying men say the craziest things, don't they? They carried on running, until their tired legs were on auto-pilot, and reached the market. Luke span round. The mysterious kidnapper was gone.

"What the Limp Bizkit?" he exclaimed, "Where'd he go?"

The professor didn't reply, his eye caught by the tower that loomed over him. All the lights, level by level, began to turn on until the whole tower was bathed in a bright yellow haze.

"Luke, you saw what I saw didn't you? That man was wearing last season's Yeezys."

"I did. I also saw he was carrying Ramon's dead body around with him like a Ted Baker handbag."

The two stopped for a minute, trying to claim back their breath from the cold night air. It stung their lungs with what felt like icy needles and brought hot tears to their eyes. Before they could begin to plan, a large boom burst from the tower, sending shockwaves through the market. Luke screamed. The professor placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"Luke, let's return to the site of Ramon's disappearance."

He nodded quietly, preparing himself to look for clues. They got there and immediately the professor bent down and held up a small pot.

"A-ha! My yoghurt! It fell out of my pocket during the chase but I felt it was more important to try and stop that murderer than to go back for it. It's called 'Prioritising Your Investigation', you see, Luke."

_*INVESTIGATION TIP NO.1 ~ Prioritising Your Investiagtion*_

As the professor opened the lid and began to eat his yoghurt, spoonless, Luke surveyed the area for clues. Underneath a leaf, he found a small cog with a small emblem on it. It was identical to the one found next to Simon's body. Deciding to do a scientific test, Luke carefully placed it in his mouth and tasted it.

"It's the same!" he shrieked at the professor, causing him to choke on his yoghurt. The professor threw it into a nearby open window, as a gentleman never litters, and examined the cog. After all, the investigation was more important and that yoghurt was only apricot - the worst flavour.

"This could very well help us solve both murders! I can't wait to solve Chelmey's case before him, the big Hitler fool."

And with that, the two made their way back to the manor, excited to rub it in everyone's grieving faces. Luke rose everyone from their slumbers by screeching profanities from the top of the stairs, like a rambunctious owl and the professor stomped on the marble floor.

"What in the blazes?" roared Chelmey as he emerged from a guest room and Lady Dahlia appeared by the stairs. She was as ethereal and divine as ever, even when she knocked Luke off the banister with a graceful slap. Matthew ran out from the servants quarters - or as others would call it - the downstairs toilet.

"Urgent news everybody!" the professor announced as Luke stumbled back to his side, "Ramon has been kidnapped."

Matthew bravely shrieked like a little child, as Dahlia rolled her eyes and let out a fake cry.

"So, Ramon has also been involved in...dastardly misdeeds. I see."

"We must organise a search party, immediately!" the professor commanded, "Lady Dahlia and I will search the infamous Love Hotel in the beautiful town of Kettering. Everyone else can search the village or something."

Chelmey barged his way into the crowd, his face more wrinkled than usual. Maybe he hadn't had chance to do his nightly skin care routine yet.

"Mr Layton, I am ruddy sick of you whisking this village into a frenzy like a panicky bowl of Angel Delight. This is my case and you sticking your adorable button nose into it has really started to grind my gears. We can search in the morning, it's far too late now."

The professor was nearly blind-sided by the lovely compliment about his nose before shaking his head and hoping his blush went away.

"We must wake those lazy lazers up right now and search! Anything could be happening to Ramon right now. Like being beheaded, disemboweled-"

"That thing where they inject your brain with chemicals and that," Luke sagely interjected.

"That also," the professor continued, before Matthew ran in, flapping like a chicken.

Everyone turned in shock, ready to hear something exciting but Matthew held his hand up. He slowly took a few puffs on his inhaler as he rushed to get his breath back. After a few seconds, he returned to his panicked state.

"Everyone! Ramon has returned!"

Chelmey, Luke and Layton all gasped in pure surprised. Lady Dahlia took a sneaky sip from her wine bottle and rolled her eyes. Footsteps came up the stairs and then, sure enough, Ramon was stood in the doorway. He looked the same as always, except he was sporting some lovely, fluttery fake eyelashes.

"Well, I went down to Camden Market to try and shift that boat. Then, I went shoplifting at Sephora," he continued, pausing to bat his eyelashes at Chelmey, the dashing newcomer, "And then I flirted with boys at the market and came home. Why do you ask?"

Luke and the professor exchanged a worried look. Chelmey let out a snide laugh at Layton's disbelief.

"Well, well, well. It would appear I was right the whole time, Layton was wrong, I'm the best detective, Layton is a big stupid and I also have the best calves in this whole village. Now, Layton! Leave the detective work to those who have at least one brain cell."

Lady Dahlia let out a muffled chuckle, causing Layton's cheeks to burn. It wasn't even at Chelmey's rubbish joke; she was just drunk.

Luke rolled his sleeves up, ready to risk it all just to punch Chelmey in his big gammon face but Layton stopped him with a simple headshake.

"I must apologise to you all. It's been a trying day and it was dark out. I must have been mistaken in what I saw. That, and Luke has started doing drugs again. My apologies and we will get out of your hair."

Layton left the room quickly, Chelmey's underhand jibes still echoing in his ears. Luke scowled at everyone one last time and begrudgingly followed his mentor.

"Professor, I don't like this."

"Luke, let's just return to the inn and get some rest," he sighed as he made his way down the steps and made eye contact with Matthew. He gave the pair a sad nod and retreated to his toilet.

"Oh, great. Even Matthew thinks we've gone mad. I hate it here," the young boy complained, "Professor, were we really mistaken?"

The professor remained silent until they were in the quiet calm of the manor garden. The flowers softly nodded at them in the breeze, the only positive affirmation the two looked like they'd get that day.

"No, Luke. That was Ramon. I'd bet my bussy on it. Perhaps he lost consciousness and forgot the incident, but to return all well an hour later...it is strange."

"I don't get why no one in this village is even arsed that everyone keeps getting stolen and murdered. My hometown was in a bigger panic when I started my graffiti career."

The professor didn't reply, the perplexity of the village overwhelming even him. He began to walk towards the inn, Luke sheepishly following behind, as the manor dimmed into darkness behind them.

It was a new day in St Mystere, dragging into morning light by the clanging of the bells from the tower and the crowing of a cockerel. It sat atop the barn of the inn, until it was struck by Layton's shoe.

"Quiet, foul bird!" he yelled from his bed of straw, still drowning in his shame hole. Luke sat up and looked sadly upon his disheveled mentor. Around them, doors and windows opened as villagers began their day. Chimney smoke began to flow into the sky, high enough to rival even the tower. There came a knock on the door.

Beatrice, the innkeeper, stuck her head around the door.

"Has the baby come yet?"

The professor was about to berate her but suddenly remembered the false backstory he'd given her.

"Not yet, my good woman. My poor daughter is very tired."

Shoving straw up his jumper, Luke turned with a sad face and nodded.

"Anyway, there's been a phone call. Inspector...Chel-pee wants to see you urgently at Reinhold Manor, as soon as possible."

"Oh, fantastic," Luke snarled, "He probably wants to make fun of us again for last night."

Layton groaned and hauled himself out of bed. The two headed towards Reinhold Manor, groggy and shamefaced. Beatrice waved them off with a small wave. Luke panicked and curtsied, still cradling his faux baby bump. Watching them go, the mustachioed man peeped out of a barrel.

"Those two appear to be getting used to this place...and the little one appears to have gained weight. They'll need my help soon enough, however. And I, Stachenscarfsen, will be there ready."

Upon reaching the manor gate, Franco pulled the professor aside. Luke rolled his eyes and frowned at a piece of litter fluttering across the floor.

"Hey, professor, you're here to solve my puzzle, am I right? Of course I'm right. I'm always right, despite what my wife says. Would she leave me for my brother? Yep, and she did."

The professor quickly solved the puzzle by bashing his head against it until it solved itself, a most cunning deduction. Luke quickly grabbed the piece of paper.

"A clue, professor! I'll read it aloud!"

The small diary entry read:

"_Lady Viola is still in her bed, watching Naked Attraction and old reruns of Midsomer Murders. We thought she was just a lazy pig, but the doctor told us she's actually dying. 'Bit of an inconvenience, that' she lamented on the news. If only I was a doctor...then we'd have two doctors and my mother would be proud of me. Mummy, please...why won't you respond to my letters…"_

"Very interesting," the professor nodded, "It must be about the baron's previous wife, as her name was Lady Viola. See, Luke. What I did there was 'Remembering People's Names'. A key investigation tactic!"

_*INVESTIGATION TIP NO.2 ~ Remembering People's Names*_

Luke carried on reading:

"_I am so distressed as I write these words. My heart feels as though it's been encased in concrete and discarded into the sea. Mummy has uninvited me from her 70th birthday celebrations. It is probably for the best as it's the same day as Lady Viola's funeral. Did I forget to mention that part? Yes, well, Lady Viola corked it. I'll never forget her last words. 'Who the hell deleted my recorded Eastenders episode?' she had yelled before succumbing to her flu. The Baron is totally crushed. He just keeps storming around the house, crying about his loss. He was really excited about that episode of Eastenders…"_

"And that's the end," Luke sighed, "How sad. This person really loved the baron and his family."

The professor nodded. He remembered that episode of Eastenders, too. T'was a corker.

"T'was a corker, t'was a corker," he repeated, "Anyway, Luke, let's go see Chelmey and get laughed at again. Stupid village. I reckon we burn it down."

The two entered the beautiful garden that was now without a boat and without a Ramon. They despondently waded through the river and didn't even stop to talk to Claudia, who sat in the garden looking at them with sad eyes.

'Look at them,' she thought to herself, 'They have the weight of the world on their shoulders, and for what? A brief fluttering of embarrassment that lasts for seconds when the glory of all their good remains for lifetimes. Why do humans allow insignificant feelings like shame or hatred drag them down like chains, yet let strong feelings of love and compassion get away from them? I shall never understand, but why would I? I am just a cat, after all.'

And she returned to licking her own bottom.

Layton rested his hand on the door and gave Luke a meaningful look.

"Let's get this over with."

Before they could even enter the drawing room, a booming voice startled them, nearly sending Luke flying down the stairs.

"What the HELL are these atrocities? Are you trying to kill me? Do you want me to die? Do you want me to be a carcass? DO YOU WANT ME TO BE A CORPSE IN THE GROUND?"

The professor threw the door open to see Matthew shivering in a ball. Chelmey was jumping up and down on a plate of French Fancies. Pink, yellow and brown icing flew across the room as he raged and spat. Meanwhile, Lady Dahlia was sat by the window having a cigarette as Gordon began to eat the crumbs.

Neither Luke nor Layton had anything to say about the scenario that faced them and simply stood there wordlessly.

"Ah, Layton," Chelmey sniffed, adjusting his jacket and stepping over Matthew, who was openly weeping, "I...apologise...I think, for my outburst. However, I hate cakes and sweets. I think whoever eats them should be shot and killed and then buried deep in the ground."

"It's a common opinion," Layton shrugged, "Anyway, what do you want?"

"I have spies and they reckon you've been lurking around trying to solve my case. Who the dickens do you think you are?"

Layton looked at Matthew on the ground and the crushed cakes on the floor and decided to be a peacekeeper.

"I would never do that! W-What case, I've never- _what case_? That's crazy, I've never even heard of a case. I'm just looking for apples, man."

Luke sighed, placing his head in his hands. Chelmey turned his nose up at the professor but seemed somewhat satisfied.

"Yeah, make sure you do. Don't worry your pretty little head, I will find the killers- I mean, killer. Just one. For now," he muttered, under his breath. Luke frowned at this and the two made their way downstairs.

"As if he just called us in to tell us all that stuff we already know. 'Stop meddling'! Some bloody nerve, he's wasted a load of meddling time with that," Luke spat, "I don't know if I've mentioned it but I don't like him."

The professor shrugged.

"I don't know, Luke. I think a lot of it is just insecurity and frustration. It's pretty obvious he has a crush on me."

Luke pursed his lips and paused.

"I don't think that's true, professor. I'm pretty sure he's going to frame us for Simon's murder."

"That's textbook, Luke. I did the exact same in secondary school myself. Poor Lizzy Grant is still in that prison now."

They left the manor and suddenly bumped into Ramon, who was cyberbullying TikTok stars on Twitter. He regarded the two for a second and then nodded towards two inflatable swim rings. One was bright pink and spotty, with a donkey head. The other was yellow and had a mouse head with a green nose.

"Dahlia made me replace the boat. I maintain that if you steal from someone, it's not your property because stealing is rotten. That's why I stole, to teach them a lesson."

As Luke squeezed himself into the yellow ring, the professor turned to Ramon.

"How are you feeling Ramon?"

"Misjudging and unloved. Physically, I feel great. If it wasn't for my crippling self hatred I could do a jig. I felt so ill last week, but that's all gone. Isn't it marvellous?"

Layton pulled the pink ring over his vivacious hips with a small grunt.

"Well, that's good to hear. Ramon, you don't mind if I take this ring with me? I don't think it'll be coming off again any time soon."

Ramon shrugged and the two began to bob over the small moat.

"He doesn't remember what happened yesterday...odd, isn't it?" Luke thought out loud, "What now, professor? More meddling, I hope!"

"Actually, Luke, I have a new plan. One never done before. We are going to respect the wishes of the police and stop getting involved in murders. I think we start looking for that Golden Apple we promised everyone we'd look for."

Luke gave the professor an odd look.

"P-Pardon? You want us to...mind our own business?" The professor nodded in response, "You sicken me, professor. Just because you're getting eaten alive by those fish doesn't mean you have to start living life right now."

"Stop reminding me of my death, Luke. Like Kylie famously said 'When I go out, I wanna go out dancing'. And when I go out, I wanna go out causing havoc. So let's go meddle, starting with the butler."


End file.
